I’ve had some challenging speaking gigs but none more challenging than eulogizing my oldest sister, Lana.
Melana Love Moore Eaves passed away on April 19, 2011. After a prolonged ordeal, her kidneys gave out. She was 47.
I knew this would be a very difficult talk to give.
No more than four minutes. That’s all the time I had to deliver my words. Not nearly enough time to capture the essence of Lana.
As I drove up to Dallas I began to string together something authentic and affecting in my mind. Tears gently rolled down my face as I began stringing together my words.
On Saturday morning I rehearsed my words. I felt confident in delivering an authentic and affecting eulogy.
That confidence waned as I entered the modestly appropriate chapel on Saturday afternoon.
I was overcome with more emotion than I thought. A slideshow of photos spanning Lana’s life brought me to tears. I thought there is no way I will be able to get through my short talk without losing it.
(I prayed for help.)
The service started and this simple video played of my Mother talking about her firstborn daughter, Lana. (Keep in my mind, no one at the funeral had heard my Mother’s voice for several years because she passed away in 2007 from ALS.)
Lolly, Lana’s long-time friend, spoke first. Her talk was from the heart and closed with reciting lyrics from an 80's TV sitcom we all know. So fitting. So lovely. So Lana.
Steve spoke next. (Steve married Lana to her husband, Denny Eaves, in 2008.) He shared Lana’s connection with Christ and ended with reciting verses from Ecclesiastes.
Next was my turn.
Doing my best to keep my composure, I walked behind the podium. Paused. Breathed. And spoke...
I didn’t really know my sister. I knew of my sister more than I knew my sister.There are many reasons for this.
One reason is age.
When Lana graduated from High School, I had yet to enter Junior High.
There was just too much of a difference in age for me to know my sister.Another reason is Lana had another family she belonged to ... her family of friends.
Lana chose to spend a lot time with her family of friends.What I knew of my sister is she always had good intentions.
She meant well.
She wanted to be good to others.I felt her good intentions when I was in the sixth grade.
One morning I awoke to find Lana at the foot of my bed.
She wanted to be the one to tell me some horrible news.
She wanted to be my big sister and be the one to tell me a friend of mine had committed suicide.That was Lana’s good intentions in action.
Many, many years passed.
Many Holiday family gatherings passed ... some Lana spent with us and some Lana spent with her other family.In 2005 I felt very distant to Lana.
So I called her.
Asked her to meet me for lunch.
We talked.
We talked for the first time since I don’t know when.
That felt good.
She better understood my life and I better understood her life.
It was good to reconnect with my sister.If there is any moral to this story it is to reconnect with someone who you’ve lost touch with.
Call them.
Invite them to lunch.
And talk.
I’m sure they will appreciate your good intentions.
{PAUSE ... BREATHE ... hold up the scrapbook}
My mother kept a detailed scrapbook during Lana’s early years.Every little thing was noted and dated.
The day Lana first crawled. Noted and dated.
Lana’s first syllables, "Da-Da." {Look at Dad.} Noted and dated.
And Lana’s first sentence was noted and dated.
Two weeks before her second birthday, my Mother noted that Lana said, “I want to go home, Mommy.”
We’re about two weeks before Lana’s next birthday ... “Mommy, she’s home.”
After the service, we met with family and friends in the receiving line. While I managed to not to lose it while delivering my eulogy, I lost it in the receiving line.
Unbeknownst to me, the mother and sister of my childhood friend who committed suicide were in attendance. When they reached me in the receiving line, I lost it. I cried uncontrollably. I also hugged both of them uncontrollably. Anyone who knows me, knows I am not a big-time hugger. Thank you Sherry and Shannon for being there.
And thank you Lana for being my big sister. Although you lived a short life, you’ve taught me life-long lessons. Give Mom an uncontrollable hug from her youngest son.
John, So sorry for your loss. Marianne
Posted by: marianne richmond | April 25, 2011 at 12:18 AM
Thanks, John, for your tenderness and transparency. I appreciate your struggle and it takes courage to eulogize a loved one in a way that authentically reflects the reality of our complex relationships with siblings, parents, or friends. I had the same struggle when I was eulogizing my dad back in 2002.
Posted by: Owen Richard Kindig | April 25, 2011 at 12:36 AM
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my dad five years ago and gave a eulogy at his funeral, so I relate to what you're saying when you talk about how difficult it is to prepare and deliver a talk like that. Here's what I chose to say about my dad, in case you'd like to commiserate:
http://kateo.livejournal.com/145034.html
I hope you find comfort and peace in your memories of your sister.
Posted by: Kate O'Neill, [meta]marketer marketing optimization agency | April 25, 2011 at 08:23 AM
I gave the Eulogy for my mother who passed away at the age of 48 from Leukemia. I was 26 at the time. April 21st marked 7 years since she passed. Your post was a reminder of that acute feeling of being raw. It gets better. Thank you for writing that and I wish you peace and healing.
Posted by: Kristen | April 25, 2011 at 08:31 AM
John,
I'm very sorry about your sister. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you sort through the next few days and weeks.
Your eulogy was honest and from the heart. And a good reminder to all of us that there is no substitute for the time spent, the words spoken and the feelings shared among people who love one another.
God bless.
Drew
Posted by: Drew McLellan | April 25, 2011 at 06:45 PM
John,
I'm very sorry about your loss, and thanks for sharing this experience with all of us. It is tough to lose someone that we love so much.
Stay strong, and remember that she is in a better place.
Posted by: luay | April 26, 2011 at 09:05 AM
I am very sorry for your loss, but thank you for sharing this part of yourself with your community. This is the "social" in social media and your authentic display of your human side makes me respect you even more (if that's possible) as a marketer...
Not that that is important, but I love how you live your values in all that you do, be it marketing or the more important job of eulogizing your beloved sister.
Posted by: Jeremy | April 28, 2011 at 04:29 PM
I was sorry to hear about your sister's passing. My mother passed away when I was 12 and she was 43. Losing such a close family member, no matter when it happens in life, is a very, very difficult thing to swallow. Thank you for sharing your loss in such a warm personal way.
Posted by: Cindy | May 03, 2011 at 08:38 PM
John:
I'm sorry to learn about your sister's passing. I give you a lot of credit for delivering the eulogy on such an emotional day. My mom passed away in early April and as much as I'd love to have delivered a eulogy (my Toastmasters skills would have come in handy), I know I could not do it. Kudos to you and I really like your powerful message.
Posted by: Tim | May 09, 2011 at 08:28 AM
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I was one of Lana's roomates in college and only found out of this today from one of our other roomates. My prayers go out to you and your family.
Posted by: Toi | May 25, 2011 at 08:34 PM